Relationship Economics

Some of my posts are letters I wish I could have sent myself as a Freshman, or better yet Jr. High. This is one of them.

Dear You,

Boys are great and all, but you need to understand relationship economics and start making better investments. Be willing to trade and diversify.

Look at boys as an investment, with both of you holding equal amounts of funds. Each investment holds a different potential, and by studying the trends of each, you can determine which Boy(s) to support or trade. The goal is to invest in a boy that always gives you a return on your investment. This means, you get your money back, instead of him spending your funds on something else. Let’s begin with some examples.

You invest the following:

A few hours/days of detective work to learn Boy’s schedule/routine.
“Accidentally” bump into Boy using a rehearsed opening liner.
Looking up the scores of Boy’s favorite sport team for the sake of “sharing an interest”.

Investment Total: 20.

He returns the following:

Smiles at you during a ward activity.
Looks nice.

Return Total: 5.
(Note: Do not inflate the value of this fund due to appearance or good manners.)

TOTAL VALUE of FUND: -15

ASSESSMENT: HOLD  KEEP AS “FRIEND FUND” UNTIL FURTHER INVESTMENT IS RETURNED.

You invest:

Expressing how much you like him, first.
Make him cookies and take them to his house.
Spending 1 hour on your hair and makeup.

Total invested: 85

He invests:

Doesn’t need to worry about if you like him, no need to prove it to you twice.
Doesn’t make you food, why cook on a full stomach?
Says you look nice and means it.

Total return: 10.

TOTAL VALUE of FUND: -75

ASSESSMENT:

HOLD He may like you and express it in a way different than you…so let him before you invest more, you’re nearly broke.

SELL Two weeks have gone by and no response.

POPULAR MISCONCEPTIONS to AVOID

• Well, the fund doesn’t seem to be increasing in value, maybe if I just put more MONEY in.
• The fund is giving me a small return on investment, that means I need to put double the MONEY in to keep it coming.
• Boy’s MONEY is worth more than my MONEY because I can afford it more than Boy can.
• If I decrease my investment, the fund will disappear and I will have to go on welfare.
• It looks like this fund is investing my MONEY in a competitive market, that’s just how a good investment appears, I really found a unique one here, just keep peeling off those layers until I see the diamond.

As the market stands today, Boy has to invest relatively little to get a return. Because of this, Boy often will invest in several funds at once until the girl uglier than you is chosen.
If this happens, don’t feel like you’ve missed out on the stock of a lifetime. This is what we call a WEEDING FUND. This fund requires almost no deposit but yields big returns.

This is how the WEEDING FUND works:
Boy enters the market. Girls invest. Boy chooses Girl. If the Girl is a skank, the Boy is a weed and you will never have to worry about losing MONEY in that bad fund because it is now off the market.

If the Boy chooses a cool Girl it is transferred to the WEDDING FUND, where Boy now becomes Girl’s permanent Fund and is removed from the Market. Now you can feel poor if that wasn’t your investment, but keep in mind that when a Girl accepts a WEDDING FUND, she also may be taking on the faulty loans that are inevitably there, so really you break even.

WEEDING and WEDDING FUNDS work equally for both genders.

And just for fun, here is a look at the Telecoms Market Stocks at today’s closing:

MALE COMM
Returns Calls +2
Calls You First +4
Keeps Forgetting to Call -4
Doesn’t Call -4
Too Busy To Call -4

FACT: If he really likes you, he can’t wait to talk to you. He would find ways to make it happen.

So, how are your investments doing? Is it time to BUY SELL or HOLD?