Posted by: Lula in London | December 11, 2007

You are not too picky

As any single girl in Mormondom over the age of 22 will know, we have been told the reason why we are not dating or married, is because we’re too picky. And, if we don’t get married when we are less aware of how big of a commitment marriage is, we will lose the desire completely.

Two years after graduating from high school, a friend and I looked through our old yearbooks. We started pointing to photos and saying “oh hey, this girl got married last year” and “that girl is expecting a baby”. It wasn’t before long that we realized over 50% of my high school female class was married. I was barely 20 and already feeling old…and wondering how those girls were ready to marry a man for eternity when I was having a hard time picking out a cell phone plan.

Truth is, a lot of these girls are happy. They have wonderful families and they struggle with life just like everyone else. These girls were very lucky to find the perfect guy for them their freshman year, or they were just up for the challenge to make it work with the guy that proposed and worry about the rest later. I however had neither of those.

The reason? I didn’t meet the right guy for me so I never caught the marriage bug. I remember while my roommates were buying Bridal magazines and cutting out rings and dresses and making collages of their hypothetical big day, I was doing homework and reading design annuals. I just didn’t see the point in planning a reception when there wasn’t a guy lined up.

I dated a few guys in my college years, some seriously some not, but none of them compelled me to want an eternity with them. In fact when I thought about it, I would get chills and not in the good way. I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. As more and more of my friends got married, I stayed single and it was becoming obvious to more people, including me.

I asked people how they knew their husband was “the one” to see if maybe I was passing by on some good opportunities. Here are some answers I got:

  • He just swept me off my feet.
  • I don’t know, you just know, ya know?
  • It didn’t seem like the wrong thing to do.
  • I knew on the first date.
  • I knew after two years of dating.
  • It was like gaining a testimony, I just felt good about it all along, so when the time came I knew it was right without having to ask.
  • I prayed for a positive feeling and I got one.
  • He asked.

Hum, no one said “I felt creepy, but I did it anyway and life is great.” So I figured I was on the right path so far. But still why wasn’t I married, or better yet, dating? I was approachable, funny (I’d like to think), healthy, low maintenance, and had a masters degree and a good job. I felt I was ticking all of the boxes spiritually: going to church, daily scripture and prayer, visiting the temple, working on improving myself and attending ward activities. Yet I still had no reason to make reception collages.

I decided to keep track of my thoughts, positive and negative, and decide who those comments sounded like. Then I would decide if it was a red thought or a white thought. Once I identified the source of my thoughts, I could figure out which ones to listen to. Here are some examples:

“You are never going to get married, because no one will want you.” Don’t recall reading that during scripture study. Not hard to figure out who planted that idea. Red thought.

“Keep socializing and stay positive, it will happen someday.” White thought.

“Maybe if you ate less and spent more time curling your hair and buying expensive makeup, wore more sexy designer clothes, then the right guy will be willing to talk to you. Get out the credit card.” Red thought (and the ad industry).

“There is a good reason why it hasn’t happened yet, and this will make more sense later. You or him or the timing isn’t fully ripe yet.” White thought.

“There is a good reason why it hasn’t happened yet, he’s done something wrong, you did something wrong and there is very little hope for you now.” Red thought.

“Sure, he’ll like you in the beginning, but then he’ll get to know you and see you for the loser you are.” Red thought.

Something else that helped me was looking at married couples around me and realizing that there were good couples and not so good couples, just like in high school. And all kinds of people get married, there isn’t a talent to it. Marriage isn’t reserved for the pretty or the perfect and the fact that I didn’t feel ready to marry anyone was within the parameters of “normal”. And, I saw plenty of couples who had extraordinary circumstances bring them together because it was obvious they were perfect for eachother, which told me God was still in charge.

The Lord knows us, and he knows what we need, and how we individually understand things. When things are right He’ll tell us in a way we understand, and not make us decipher obscure clues like a sequel to National Treasure, unless maybe you’re supposed to marry Nicholas Cage. So, you’re not too picky, you have already chosen to marry the right guy…whenever he decides to make his debut in the film that is your life.




  1. […] “You know, if you wait for Mr. Perfect you’ll find he will be looking for Miss Perfect, which may not be you.” (see the future post entitled “You are not too picky.”) […]

  2. Well it looks like marrige grts thrown in your face alot. dont let it get you down. that iusse is not important in your life right now god will let you know when the time is right. got to go…

  3. This is really good. I like the way you looked for the source of your thoughts – red or white. Thoughts really do make a difference. Sometimes it sure is easy to believe things that we think even when they aren’t true. I saw a bumper sticker once that said, “Don’t believe everything you think.” It’s pretty simple, but good. I really agree with this whole post. Well done!

  4. Just so you know, married people aren’t just all of the sudden totally happy with no problems. There will always be these kinds of questions, these doubts, and sometimes even this loneliness. If there is one thing marriage has taught me it’s that it isn’t a cure all. I love my husband, I have a great marriage, but I still have to do my part in my relationship with God, and that relationship is still very much a Father-child relationship. Being one with someone else doesn’t mean you aren’t an individual, or that you aren’t struggling. Being married in the temple is certainly not the last step either.

  5. Awesome Post!

    You know, nowadays you can expand the search worldwide… I tell some of my Singleton friends they should relax travel ( you meet so many peopl eon travels and you learn to know yourself better).
    Sure, getting married is the goal but why stress almost to the point that you feel like an old hag with 25?
    I would love to have found my companion but I won’t settle down for less. Sometimes the Members pressure is the most trouble, and it feels like it doesn’t matter who you marry as long as you get married.
    But like you said, you have to find first the guy with whom you wanna spend the rest of eternity together. 🙂

    Ps: i’m a graphic designer and would like to get to knowyou personaly…

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