Posted by: Lula in London | February 1, 2008

Don’t waste the pretty

I’m not sure if you have read the book “He’s Just Not that Into You” or not, but it is a must-read for any girl. Now, I can’t endorse all of the pages of that book, but the overall theme is this:

Why waste yourself on a loser?
Don’t waste the pretty.
Learn how to spot a bad relationship and move on to the right one.

The book is filled with stories from girls to an “editor” with a witty response, like a Dear Ann column. And of course, I have a story that I could add to that book, like I’m sure a lot of us have. Well a novel really, this story could be a whole blog in itself but for now I’ll just pull out a chapter from it called, “Hindsight is 20/20”.

I met a guy, he was uber charming and said all of the right things. I was twitterpated beyond belief for this guy. Everything was going so well I was walking on clouds, until one day when I found him mysteriously going out of his way to help a girl. Now, not wanting to be the jealous possessive type, I told myself not to worry, that I would want a guy this charitable and in fact, I should encourage behaviour like this.

Hindsight is 20/20

He invited me to visit and stay with his family. When I went with him to church, I got this icy cold stare from another girl in his ward who gave me the 3rd degree about why I was visiting. He told me that she had a crush on him (different girl than girl #1) and that he didn’t want to hurt her feelings…so he talked with her for an hour after church while I tried to be charitable and entertain the kids running around the gym.

Hindsight is 20/20

While at his house, he had to take a long distance call from “a close family friend”–for 4 hours. While I was left to make myself feel at home with his family. Not wanting to be the jealous or selfish type I played games with the family.

Hindsight is 20/20

He yelled at his parents, calling them stupid. He got upset with me for asking him questions about these girls making me feel uncharitable and selfish. He left me in awkward positions with others and would avoid answering my direct questions. He started faking headaches, toothaches, backaches and setting up doctor’s appointments, while asking me not to go out and see the sights, all so he could avoid the truth that was starting to catch up to him.

Okay now, what in the world was I still doing with this guy? I was wasting the pretty. I was spending all of this charity, this unjealous ‘hang out with all the girls you want as long as you say the right thing later to me’ benefit of the doubt on this guy. And you know what? It wore me out. I started to question ME, was I not good enough to keep him? What did I do wrong? And then it hit me: I’m questioning the wrong person.

A while after the relationship ended, I found out that he was cheating on me, big time, with a few girls. Yet there was this hope in me during it all that if I just put up with a little bit more trash, then things would clear up and be like they were before. After all, I wasn’t a quitter and maybe I could turn things around with more goodness. Maybe I just needed to put in more effort.

But you know what? You don’t have to. If a guy doesn’t make you feel 100% special, ‘forgets’ things and tries to make you feel bad for asking questions when something seems wrong, you are wasting the pretty on the wrong guy. Because the right guy will be the one who schedules time to remember, to be with you and will show you how much he cares without having to flag him down for the answer.

Okay, my little pep talk. Now go and find the right guy and don’t waste the pretty!

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Responses

  1. It’s amazing as single girls how ready we are to compromise for a charming guy. I dating this guy a bit that would flirt with other girls when we were out together! At first it just seemed he was just being nice and “including” people, but then I realized how unspecial and ignored it made me feel. Really why was I going out with this guy who couldn’t even commit enough to pay attention just to me on a date! I am never doing that again.

  2. I know what this feels like all too well. It took me three months to realize that I was giving everything to a girl that was taking it all without returning much. It won’t take me that long again.

    It was really a humbling experience that, painful as it was, I am grateful for.

  3. I had a pretty similar experience. He could flirt and check out all the girls he wanted, but he would get super jealous if I even talked to someone else. He even threw a fit if I talked to my girl friends, so you can imagine what he was like with guys!

  4. Thanks. That hurts, but I really needed to hear that. 😦

  5. Yes! I needed to hear this right now too. I fell in love with a guy very recently but he always forgot everything I said and only talked about himself.

    When I told him I really liked him after 3 months and asked him how he felt he wouldnt give me an answer. Later I somehow ended up apologizing for making him uncomfortable by asking him that!

    I can’t believe I was so stupid! It’s just I’ve never loved a guy as much as I loved him. We were so perfect for each other, but he NEVER once made me feel special in anyway. My confidence steadily went down while dating him.

    Now I know someone can be perfect for you and you can fall in love with them, yet if they don’t treat you right it MEANS NOTHING!!

  6. I totally agree. I dated a guy who told me after a month that he was only “60/40” into the relationship. I was hurt, but I thought, well…. he was divorced once…. he’s just scared of commitment…. it’s too early in the relationship to expect anything. I should have broken up with him right then and there. I wasted so many months of pretty on him…. and got a whole lot of pain in return. You deserve someone who is in the relationship 100%…. and if they’re not…. dump them. You’re worth it.

  7. the book HEs just not that into me, CHANGED MY LIFE! lol, sounds dramatic, but it did. mormon girls suck at taking a hint and letting a guys actions do the talking. another book that will help with lds dating
    is “The Rules”…same concept..DO NOT WASTE THE PRETTY.

    amen sister!

  8. Sorry for your experience, but sooo true.
    Just because a guy goes to church doesn’t mean he can’t be a douche!
    Trust me, I’ve experienced it myself & then let them have it!!!

  9. Hey, I’d forgotten about this book. You’re right it was good, very insightful.


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