Posted by: Lula in London | January 16, 2008

Maybe you’re intimidating them?

Something that singletons hear a lot is the “Well, maybe you are intimidating them?” line, which can mean two things:

a) you don’t flirt enough or aren’t friendly enough and you are making it a challenge for them to get up the guts to ask you out.

b) you need to be less of a superstar so the guy won’t feel like he’s out of his league with you.

For the first point, this may be true, but it’s a good thing for a guy to have to have a little bit of courage there that drives him to be brave instead of you paving the way to make it beyond easy. (And most guys enjoy the challenge.) Afterall, it’s not like you are a fire-breathing dragon…unless you really are then well you are intimidating! 🙂

For point B, I have a story.

Without saying too much, I have a few degrees, actually 4, working on 5. And for a while I was in an unusual position of academic power for my age. This was great for my résumé but not for my dating life, which you wouldn’t think would be that way.

When guys would ask me what my job was during a ward activity, if I would tell them, it was usually the last conversation we would have. In fact for a short while, I quit telling guys what I did and said “I work at the university”. Because I could tell it was too much for them at the beginning.

But then I had an amazing revelation: if this intimidates a guy, it weeds out the guys I don’t want straight off the bat. So if this was intimidating them, this was good. I hear comments from girls in all sorts of places wondering if they should get more education, or if that will hurt their chances with a getting married. The answer? Actually, it will likely improve your chances of marrying the right guy. If you are a girl that is putting effort into improving yourself, educating yourself, doing something great in the world, the guy who is doing the same thing will find you for the kind of amazing you have made yourself become. Do it for you and the reward becomes double. 🙂

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Responses

  1. I heard this the other day, someone said “the problem is you’re just too smart, you can’t find a guy on your level.” I wish as smart as they think I am, but I think what they really are saying is that I intimidate guys. It’s sad that you can’t just be yourself and have guys want to date you. Why do we feel like we have to change ourselves?

  2. I wrote a column on my dating life the other day. Well, how I attract the wrong man and wonder exactly where the “normal” men my age are and why they aren’t asking me out. This post created a firestorm and I was blasted from a few people for putting an age limit on the men I want. I’m not interesting in dating men in their 50s… they’re the ones asking me out. I am in my early 30s.

    My newest paramour is in my ward. I met him and talked for less than 5 minutes and he then told the RS 1st counselor and her 1st counselor bishopric husband to set us up. According to her, he’s already told half the ward that he wants to date me. I’ve been in this new ward for 3 weeks. I’m angry and a wee bit frightened.

    Why is it I “intimidate” the single guys closer to my age, the ones I’d like to go out with, and turn on the freak shows? Any other women have this same problem? I think I’d rather be single if these are my options.

  3. I can heartily endorse education as something that will make any woman more attractive – at least to me and my friends. Many men are looking for educated, capable women, and they’re not always easy to find!

    The education factor may present some problems for women as not as many men attend college and get advanced degrees, but there are still many that do, and trust me, rather than being intimidated, they are drawn to women with intelligence and ambition.

  4. Pammy Girl,
    I’ve had the same experience. People tell me I’m intimidating, but how come I’m not intimidating to weirdos? On the contrary, they LOVE me! It’s almost to the point of being offensive!

  5. And then there are the moments when just talking to them or being in close proximity to a guy is apparently intimidating. It’s coupled with assumption. I say this because I’ve just had that happen to me. I cut my friend’s ex boyfriend/love interest hair and then I added him on Facebook. He told her I was flirting with him. All I could think was “I cut your hair and I ask to be your friend on Facebook, of course that means I want to marry you.” (p.s. that was total sarcasm). It just irks me that you don’t even have to say a word to a guy to get people thinking that your extremely interested in him. In all honesty I would rather serve a mission in Antartica than be in a singles ward right now, and that’s saying something

  6. Catch-22 or Double standard?
    Myth: Single Mormon guys are intimidated by intelligent, higher wage earning women with multiple degrees. Girls: The only way to the temple is to be a bimbo.
    Fact: Ask a roomful of single Mormon guys, “How important is it that your future wife contribute to future household finances?” every hand goes up.
    My theory: SIngle Mormon guys are acting just like single mormon girls-I don’t really want a degree or a career so I’ll just enjoy hanging out with my harem until one of them is close to graduating and she can support ME while I work at McDonalds.
    Am I right?


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