Posted by: Miss Jones | October 1, 2009

Yes Ruth, I’m STILL SINGLE.

Well hello neglected blog. 

Miss Jones here.  I know I sort of disappeared for the summer.  Sorry. 

I had a busy and fun summer.  I got SCUBA certified.  I went to Africa for five weeks.  I spent three weeks in South America.  And… I turned 30.  Yikes!

Even though I had a busy summer I cannot say that I neglected this blog because I didn’t have time to write. 

I neglected this blog because I didn’t have anything positive to write. 

Sometimes I just go through little stages where, for a time, I cannot see even one good thing about being single.  Do any of you have those times in your life?  I hope I’m not the only one. 

Anyway, I didn’t want to fill this blog with a bunch of negative, sappy, “poor me I’m single” stuff.  But at the same time I don’t want to completely ignore the fact that being an “older” single Mormon is difficult. 

This summer I guess I was just sick of being single.  Even though sometimes being single is awesome like when you want to take off to Africa for five weeks, etc.  I mean, you don’t have to tell me that being single is great.  I take advantage of my time being single and am living life to the fullest.  You could even saythat I’m “Finding Joy in Spinsterhood.” 

However, even though there are lots of great things about being single, sometimes I’m just tired of being single.

Are any of you tired of being single?  Tired of being different from the “norm?”  Tired of buying wedding gifts and baby shower gifts and going to weddings, bridal showers, and baby showers and throwing bridal showers and baby showers?  Tired of people giving your number to guys that never call to set up a date?  Tired of hearing things like, “Well now that your younger brother and his wife are going to be having a baby maybe you’ll decide it is time for you to get married and have kids too.”?  Tired of trying to make new single friends every time one of them gets married or moves away?  Tired of going to ward activities and institute or feeling guilty for not going?  Tired of people (even those with good intentions) giving suggestions about where you should live or what you need to do to attract a mate?  Tired of hoping?  Tired of trying to have faith for what seems impossible?  Tired of trying to be positive and enthusiastic about being single?  Tired of the singles ward scene?  Tired of feeling like you are always on display…that you always have to be your best, that you have to be perfect or nobody will want you?  Tired of cooking for one?  Tired of being lonely and I’m tired of being alone? 

Wow, just writing all that made me tired!

Is anybody else tired of being single sometimes?   

Maybe I’m the only one.  I doubt it though.  I doubt that I’m the only one who ever feels this way.  I think it is just hard to admit sometimes how hard it actually is to be a spinster.  And I think that sometimes we are afraid to admit that we are tired of spinsterhood.  Because we don’t want to be labeled as “negative” or “bitter” or “sad” or “depressed.”  We want to go out there and put on our happy faces so that people won’t think less of us for not loving our lives.  And so that people will wonder why we aren’t married instead of thinking that they know why we aren’t married and saying things like, “Oh, she’s just so negative about guys.  If she would be more positive about dating and men she’d probably be married,” etc. 

And sometimes I feel like I’m wearing a “Hello, my name is SINGLE” name tag. singlesticker2

And that the only thing people think of when they see me is ‘SINGLE.’  And that running through their minds is just ‘single, single, single, single, single, single, single’…so much so that they can’t even focus on a normal conversation with me and can’t seem to talk to me about anything other than my marital status. 

Here’s a situation from this summer to illustrate my point. 

Let me set the scene…. cousin’s wedding reception. Young cousin. Maybe 20 years old. Marrying nice guy in the temple at the “normal” age for marrying. Perfect.

Enter me. Nearly 30. Severely single. At said wedding reception. Trying not to feel awkward. Holding my darling little baby cousin because I like babies and also as a distraction and conversation starter for people who don’t know what to say to a SINGLE PERSON (Awkward). At least they can say, “Oh isn’t he darling,” or “Whose baby is this,” etc.

Enter *Ruth.  Ruth is a very nice distant relative that I see at weddings and funerals. Ruth is friendly and fun and NICE. Normally. I like Ruth because she is kind and goes out of her way to talk to me and to everybody else. 

Me. Sitting at a table with non distant relatives. Chat chat chat. Ruth sits down next to me. More chat chat chat. Friendly friendly friendly. THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN out of NOWHERE Ruth hits me with a zinger.

 “SO, ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? she asks.”

 SILENCE around the whole table as all eyes look my way. ‘What will the crazy single girl say?,’ people wonder…

Me: “Yup.”

Me again mostly to break the awkward SILENCE: “So Ruth, are you STILL SINGLE???” By the way, Ruth is like a 70+ year old widow (and her husband has been dead for 20+ years).

Ruth laughs and says, “Yes.”

Me: “Well I’ll keep my eyes open for a nice man for you to marry.”

Conversation over. Two points Ruth. Ten points Miss Jones.

SERIOUSLY, “are you still single?” What kind of question is that? First of all I just saw and talked to Ruth at yet another cousin’s wedding in April. I was single then. And because I’m not some Ricks College (aka:BYU IDAHO) student, I think it is safe to say that a few months later I would NOT BE MARRIED.

And, if by chance a miracle had occurred in those few months and I wasn’t single anymore then wouldn’t I have some awesome guy sitting next to me??? Or, wouldn’t I have some major bling bling on my ring finger??? Or, if nothing else, wouldn’t I just blurt it out to you because I would be so freaking ecstatic to NOT have to spend the next 60 years BY MYSELF only to be found dead and alone, half eaten by wild dogs at the age of 90??? Yes, yes, yes.

 

Dear Ruth,

If I am ever NOT STILL SINGLE, I will send you an invitation to my wedding reception. That is how you’ll know. Until then, let’s not repeat the conversation we had today.

Thank you, Miss Jones

*name changed out of the kindness of my heart

 

Anyway, despite my being a 30 year-old spinster with relatives who don’t know what to talk to me about, I am doing well and am back to loving life…even single life.  And, I’m back to blogging.  So, send me your questions/post ideas and I’ll try to get to as many topics as possible.

Good luck out there singletons!

All the best,

Miss Jones

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Responses

  1. As a single 31-year old, yes, sometimes I am tired. :) Thankfully, as a single man I don’t have to go to showers and I don’t buy wedding gifts. I guess as a trade-off I don’t have the luxury of knowing that if die single God will set me up with a nice young lady. :)

    I do get tired of people implying (or just saying) that my singleness is an easily fixable problem if only I wasn’t too whatever (picky, imperfect, shallow, etc). Tired of feeling like I’m moving in slow motion through life while everyone else cruises past me into marriage and children. Tired of wondering if I maybe I felt more depressed about being single that that would help me to focus more on the problem and be able to figure out where I’ve gone wrong, but at the same time feeling like not hating my life is probably a good thing. And cooking for one. Make that microwaving and making sandwiches for one. :)

  2. I really love this blog! I’m no longer single (I got married about a month ago), but I still connected with this post. It is amazing how insensitive people can be. Some people just don’t know how to relate to people who are different from them, whether the difference is marriage status or education level or employment status.

    On a more positive note, I meant to comment on the Candy Drawer post (http://singlemormongirl.wordpress.com/2008/11/10/the-candy-drawer/) a while ago because it really jived with me. But I never did. I am lucky enough that my husband DOES say to me, “You’re my favorite.” He says it regularly, and he started that early in our courtship. It makes me happy, and it has been one of the big differences between him and all of the other people who were not right for me. So it’s possible!

  3. Amen! I thought I was the only one who had felt that way. For the last two years, I have been the only YSA in my family ward. In my experience they haven’t known what to do with me. I have a calling but when it comes to ward parties and activites I have never been told about them until the Sunday after when they announce in church what a wonderful activity it was. I finally decided it was all up to me, so I have gathered the few YSAs in my stake and started having activities. It is so much easier not to get discouraged when you have plans with friends (or soon to be friends) to look forward too.
    I envy your travels.
    Oh and SERIOUSLY?!? Ruth asked if you were still single!!! I love how you handled that. Well played!

  4. I agree. Single can frankly, suck… I turned 31 a couple months ago and last year was so darn frustrating and filled with teeth grinding. Yes, I still look at my younger cousins, some of whom are working on their 4th, 5th, and 6th children and silently just want…, but the last 4 months I decided I was done waiting. I started doing the things I’d been putting off, waiting for that ‘someone’ to do them with. I con/cajole/tease/beg/pay my friends into kayaking with me. I’m taking a firearms safety class and going to the range for lunch, just for fun. I started playing pool – alone if I have to – and started picking up my guitar again. Lunchlady Land is coming along nicely. LOL, I’ve even tried fire breathing. I love this. Something sounds like fun? I look at my budget and then find somebody to teach me. Friend recommendations or Craigslist rocks. (FYI, I meet new Craigslist ‘teachers’ somewhere public and bring a wingman.) Last year I threw a ball like a girl. Not anymore. :)

  5. It’s so wrong of me to see Jake post and think the exact thing he hates people thinking, about how he’s a man and has the blessed state of being the one who can find one of us amazing single ladies. I’m, of course, wording this carefully because I know there are many 30-somethings who get their post-grad degrees and live great lives.

    But, as Miss Jones would say, we all arrive back at the same square one – we are single. Boo. Sucky.

    I seriously recommend “A Single Voice” by Sister Oaks for all the single ladies out there. It calms me down on days when I just wanna scream, “when will I find it?”

    And Miss Jones, LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!

  6. I love this post. As a Mormon, it’s not just being single, either. It’s “When are you having children?” without even thinking that it might not be possible. You have to go on a mission, get an education, get married, have children, be active, love your in-laws, scrapbook with your sisters, cook, clean, sew, craft…The pressure is unbelievable at times. If you don’t, then it’s why, why, why?

  7. I totally love this post!! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. I hate how we “singles” are treated so different from everyone not single. I am tired of feeling left out of everything at work, at church, at life just because Im still single. It bugs me that we are thought to be to picky, not perfect enough, to bitter, not enough faith, not enough hope etc…..

    Thank you for voiceing this Miss Jones. Thank you!!

  8. I’m not a Morman, I don’t want to get married, but I thought your Ruth story was absolutely hilarious! Rock on.

  9. Ha ha ha. SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE. Our church leaders must be grinding their teeth thinking “why won’t they just get married?” Good job on getting scuba certified. All we really can do is wait and hope that it will eventually happen. And spend money like it’s going out of style if it doesn’t.

    Stay away from the wild dogs once you reach your late 50′s.

  10. Is it strange that I’m 20 and identified a lot with this post?
    I’m the eternally single chick in my social circle. Most of my friends have had boyfriends- many are married or are quickly heading down that path. Plenty of them are younger than me. The ones who aren’t married or almost married are going on missions. I can’t even find a guy I want to go on more than two dates with.
    I’m officially in that fun stage of “so are you getting married or going on a mission soon?” to which I will answer: “neither, I am going to school and going into debt for it :)”

    • No it is not strange. I am 20 almost 21 and I also identify with this post. I like you have had dates not boyfriends. However, I am still keeping a mission in the possibilities. We shall see what happens. Keep hoping and keep chugging along on your personal goals!

  11. Just found your website! Love it and I’m sick of being the only single one and having to get younger and younger friends/roommates.

  12. While I was still doing my student teaching for my degree from Y-Daho, I met a man who reminds me of Santa Clause, and he offered me a job teaching in Alaska. I had a discussion with God, and we decided I should accept.
    So here I am, six years later, almost 30, and still single. I just have to remind myself that since he still wants me in Alaska, if he wants me married too, he’s going to have to figure out how that’s going to work.
    I love that you got your scuba certification this summer!! I took stained glass classes. (note: That is not the class to take if you’re looking for boys. It is, however, the class to take if you’re looking for a creative way to express yourself.)

    I feel your pain, sister. My friends are no longer getting married. My baby brother and his friends are getting married. I don’t even walk out the floor for the bouquet. I’ve caught so many by now that it’s not even funny.

  13. Wait till you have three kids under the age of 5, a spouse who doesn’t care that they’re fat and out of shape, a crushing mortgage, etc. I would trade you in an instant. 30 is really young.

  14. I am sick and tired of being single. Its had its moments…a random trip to New York. Nearly being debt free. No ties. I have had it luckier then some. I don’t get bothered much by OTHER people about why I am still single. I bother MYSELF. I wonder what is wrong with me? I am the oldest single person in my family at 26. I am done with school, but still in the college scene. I LOVE my ward. But I am so tired of it. I’m tired of spinning in circles.

  15. Greetings from the mid-great white north. I myself have spent most of my church career in wards with few if any singles ( I joined when I was 21). You will all be happy to know that the same questions are asked, the same awkward church situations of not knowing what to do with you and the all too familiar “Aunt Ruth” questions at the dinner table, at the age of 39 as they are at 30. :) I know that makes it all warm and fuzzy. And yes as a Single Male in the church I too get frustrated and tired of being single. But hey there is always tomorrow!

  16. I just wanted to quickly let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. I check-in often to see what you’ve written.

    I also extend kudos to you for becoming SCUBA certified that is awesome!!

    One of the comments I read suggested reading Sister Oaks’ book: “A Single Voice” I know she wrote it with an eye towards never married single sisters, but I (a previously married single man) enjoyed it immensely as well. So much so that I posted a review of it on my website.

    Anyway, thanks again for sharing with us.

    Remember: We’re LDS! We’re Single! And, we’re all in this together!!

  17. Hmmm…Maybe I don’t go home enough. Well I know I don’t go home much. I don’t get a lot of questions. I hear all sorts of why aren’t you married stories, but have few of my own. Mine are usually from elderly men who don’t know me (at my Grandma’s Rest Home when I visited). I am grateful I don’t have to answer that question very often, but for those who get asked at least people care. I think people who know me must have already accepted by spinsterhood.

    But on the occasions I do get asked my answer always is ‘Nope.’ Or ‘Nobody asked me.’ Then the response is “what is wrong with those boys.” Shouldn’t make me feel better, but its does. At least they don’t blame me for my singledom. :)

  18. I’m too old to be single too (28), but I’ve made an effort to fill my life with as much awesome stuff as possible and I’m really happy. Things happen in their own time I think. When my grandma died, my grandpa announced, “Now I’m single, just like Jill!”

  19. I love your blog! I stumbled upon it one day and love reading it! As for your last post, all I can say is amen! I think I answered “yes” to each of the questions you asked. Some days, being single just isn’t so fantastic.
    But at least there are some things about spinsterhood that are redeeming. And at least we can make the best of them while we are in this stage, though endless it may seem!

  20. are you kidding me? you have the life I dream about. Here I am, in my early 20′s, weighed down with a baby, husband, mortgage, church calling…when what I would at this moment rather do is travel the world, leave at a moments notice! Now I can’t even go to a movie without 3 days notice!
    I don’t mean to intrude on your whine-fest but I can guarantee that all those girls who got married at 19 are dying to have the freedom that you do.

    • Dear Notyou,

      you really have no right to intrude on our ‘whine-fest’. You are so ungrateful for the huge blessings in your life. all the ‘freedom’ in the world doesn’t compare to what you have. How about you stop complaining about your ‘shackles’ – boo hoo, you can’t go to a movie without 3 days notice – wow, of all the things to complain about – you should be ashamed of yourself.

  21. This is so funny but not in a funny way. I’m 37, joined the church when I was 24 so it was pretty much all over by then – I never had a chance! We have a shortage of priesthood here, single or otherwise.

    In my last ward which I had been in for ages, when ever one of the kind sisters asked me how my dating life was going I’d say “fine thanks, how is your marriage?” totally freaked them out! Actually depending on who it was and what I could get away with I’d just “great, how’s your sex life?” mainly because I felt I was one dimensional in their eyes.
    Being single is just one tiny, relatively uninteresting thing about me. I have lots of wonderful things going on in my life and the best thing is that I have chosen to do them. Not like my married friends who have kids and nearly everything they do is kinda forced on them by virtue of their kid’s activties. They really have no personal life other than their church callings and R/S – I remind them that Enrichment is there for them to get out of the house, thats not my reason for being there.

  22. Miss Jones, you are definitely not alone. It is so hard to be alone. I don’t really care so much about what other people think or ask. I am me. I will be married when I get married. The Lord has plans for me that include my being single right now. But sometimes that’s just not enough comfort. I hear ya.

    We all face our own specialized challenges in this life. The Lord has tailored this mortal experience for each of us. So whether it be spinsterhood or being tied down to responsibilities that naturally come from marriage, life is hard. And for everyone. But itt’s nice to know that there are a whole lot more people out there that have a hard life in the same way I do, and that feel the same way I do. We can’t really understand another person’s life or struggles if we’ve never experienced what they’ve been through.

    I am so glad that I didn’t get married at 18 like I wanted to. I understand now that it wouldn’t have been the picnic I thought it would be. And I had SO MUCH I needed to learn. And obviously there is still more. Thanks for helping me along my way. :)

  23. Miss Jones, your thoughts have described my exact feelings over the past few months. My boyfriend broke up with me and less than 2 months later was engaged and is now married. I thought I could deal with spinsterhood before that, but now it is harder than ever. I am 28 and my little sister of 19 just got engaged. Every week at the single’s ward it seems like some other 19 or 20 year old stands up and announced her engagement. I spend more time with the singles ward leaders than I do with the members (I’m the oldest by like 6 years). The thing that really gets to me is that people think you are broken or something is wrong with you. Every week it seems like the lesson is on marriage or families…. and I’m in a single’s ward! The church’s system for singles is what is broken. We should be havinglessons on bettering our lives, on making the most out of life as a single person, rather than always focusing on what we DON’T have. I, for one, am changing the rules. To heck with waiting for Mr. Right. I’ve been waiting and trying for so long and all I’ve gotten is pain. I’m turning 29 soon and going on a mission. Spinterhood, we need to become friends.

    • Loved your post…
      Btw, i remember when I turned 21 the Bishop asked me for a meeting, and there he told me there where only two paths i of whom i should choose (NOW): 1) Getting Hitchd or 2) going to mission.
      I said I choose the 3). path I’ll get my education done and enjoy life.
      A mission i could do later on.
      Guess what he told me? “the won’t accept Sisters into Mission over 25!”. Hahaha, i hate when people try to put me in a pot or try to influense me that way. Now you went to mission with 29?
      That’s awesome! I thought going to a monastery when i turn 30… Lol :)

  24. It’s so great to find this blog! I’m not Mormon but I grew up in Idaho in a culture heavily influenced by Mormon views of life. I’m a 31-year-old, single Catholic. In a church that naturally expects us to marry and have children, I can count the young adult single people in my Parish on less than 1/2 of a hand. You can only hang out at the University for so long before you have to admit that you’re not 22 anymore and that you have legitimately entered a different stage of life.

    My little sister is pregnant with her first child, married, and is a homeowner and I just spent the evening with her. I am starting to realize that, while being an auntie will be great in a lot of ways, it will mean family get-togethers where the conversation surrounds grandkids, that I am going to have to stand aside and watch my sister and brother-in-law parent, all the time accepting whatever role in their child’s life they deem appropriate (distant or close.) I’m the sister who has wanted children since I was 12. This is going to ultimately be a blessing but it will take a lot of prayers and a lot of tears to make it through. I can’t help missing the presence of a husband and children in my life. Nor can I help wondering why this absence is so enduring. I’m doing everything I can.

    Feel your pain! The world of today and the world our churches want to believe in do not back each other up. Marriage might be God’s way of showing his love to the world, but it’s a lot harder to find nowadays. I have a lot more to say but I will refrain for shortness’ sake.

    Thanks! I know you know what I’m feeling. :)

  25. [...] not to.  I like to joke back and usually I can get away with it without offending, like I did with Ruth last year.  Besides, turning their stupid question into a joke often helps people realize how [...]

  26. Ok I am not trying to be offensive or judgemental but maybe just offer a helpful tip since we all seem to be airing out our laundry… It takes a lot of hard work to go man hunting. My friend’s are constantly complaining to me about being single and not getting dates or boyfriends but heaven forbid they ASK someone for a change. With all this women empowerment going on I haven’t seen a single post that suggests maybe you can take it into your own hands, guess what YOU CAN. Surpirising as this may be it’s totally possible to ask a guy out on a date, and though there may be jerks out there who say no some will say yes and it will be a blast. If you are willing to be creative and trying flipping the tables on them, then you can’t complain. If you have and still haven’t had any luck keep on trying, I mean you don’t have to be asking every week but once, twice, maybe even go for round three. My friend Lauren always asks me “How did you get her husband.” but never seems to be willing to accept the answer… ” Well, I thought he was cute so I asked him out and we hit it off.” ” Oh I just can’t do that” she says. NEwSFLASH people YES YOU CAN. And no my husband was not the first person I asked out so yes I did have to take some sadness, loneliness, and straight up rejection.

    • Dear Kelsey

      Maybe it’s because of the way we grow up in church, i had a YW leader who talked about love like it was a fairy tale made in Hollywood ( so was marriage and babys…) for her. Now let’s see, if we get to be “brainwashed” to be like a Princess wainting for Prince Charming to come with his white Horse, flowers and a proposal… Guess what you get… Only a dream and lot’s of disappointment, because reality is not made in L.A.
      Now, I had another Leader and I wished we had more like her, who was back then 25 y old RM Sister… And she was so cool!
      She talked about reality, about how life really was and that Woman could also ask men out and many other things! ( Mind to tell you she was also asked everytime about a boyfriend, in the end she got engaged to a converted Man and the church was still not happy, like they would have if he was a RM… Bunch of idiots!)

      There is one rule when Women should ask a Man out… He has to belong to the timid shy group, otherwise your feeding a players already big enough ego even to new levels. Otherwise, our oh-so-wanted-god-gifts-to-womenhood is going to tell everyone how he could get anyone from the ladies… Tsssstsss

  27. This post really made me smile. A lot. I’m an RM sister who really wants to date, but who has super crappy luck with guys. Like my best friend was (I repeat WAS) a guy and I was totally falling for him, and it seemed like he was the same way with me…and it came up in conversation and BAM. Friends no more. And I have yet to be on a date where I can a) be myself and b) feel comfortable with the guy. And that’s not just since I came home. It’s EVER. Yeah. Lately I’ve been feeling somewhat bitter at the fact that I’m still very single. And I’m sick of my mom making comments about it. I know that I was born by the time she was my age…but when the time is right for me, marriage will come, right? But until then, I have to keep a smile plastered on my face when people ask me about dating (or worse, tell me they have someone who would be perfect for me and then proceed to not do anything about setting us up. I hate that!) and hope that Mr. Right comes along soon.

  28. No offence to any woman on here but, if you’re not married it’s your own fault. I’m 31, single male. I am ex’ed from the church, but I’m working my way back. The problem that I’m seeing as a male is that females have this “ideal” type man. I’m awesome! Hansom, in shape, tall—six foot three—I say the right things at the right times, I don’t swear and honestlly I think I’m a better man than 99% of the men in the church. I only date LDS women because they hold the same morals and values as I do… That being said; I haven’t had a date in 4 years—not that I’m not asking girls out. I’ve asked all types of women out; tall, short, in shape, larger, Beautiful, not so beautiful, all I get is “no”, or “I’m taking a break from men right now.” Just to see them the next week on a date with some other dude. Seriously, what’s your problem ladies? You get a free meal, or a walk, and get to talk with an amazing man… hmm I don’t see the down side. But, that’s just me.

  29. James – Perhaps it is your attitude that is pushing woman away. Humility and humbleness speak volumnes more than admitting you believe you are better than 99% of the men in church. We all have our own positive attributes…perhaps you need to work on a few of your negative traits then ask out another girl.

    I LOVE this blog! I’m not mormon anymore although I was raised mormon; while all 5 of my siblings ( including my 2 younger sisters) are married now and 4 with children it has been a bit difficult for me to reconcile the feelings that i’m SUPPOSED to be living that life. 1 year of of a 3 year relationship i’ve learned that i’m so grateful I didn’t marry my ex…there was so much work I needed to do within myself before I could truly know who I am. Now at 28 i’m finally happy and truly love myself – it will be a wonderful day when I meet a man I can share my life with however, until that moment i’m going to enjoy and live my life to fullest now…could you imagine looking back at this time and realizing it was wasted by worrying about someone you have no control over…that would be the real tragedy.


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