Okay, I’ll admit, I might have a bit of a crush.

On two elderly German men. 

This guy…

and this one…

Okay, not really.  I’m not that weird.  I think I just love their cute little accents and most of all their messages. 

So, I thought I’d share their messages with all of you. 

The first one is a little video clip that somebody made using part of a talk given by Enzio Busche at a BYU devotional all the way back in 1996.  I just think he has so many good little words of wisdom.  You can find it here.  It is only about seven minutes long and is worth watching. 

The second one is Elder Uchtdorf’s talk from the CES fireside just this month.  I realize that (hopefully) most of you have already seen his talk but I just thought it was super excellent and wanted to post the link here. 

And, just in case you don’t have time right now to watch the whole fireside (I promise though, it is worth it!) let me share with you all one of my favorite quotes from the talk.  Elder Uchtdorf said…

“There those among you fine young members of the church who might never marry (pause here for a moment of sadness).  Although they are worthy in every way, they may never find someone to whom they will be sealed in the temple of the Lord in this life.  There’s no way for those who have not experienced this despair to truly understand the loneliness and pain you might feel…First, let me tell you that your prayers are heard.  Your Father in Heaven knows the desires of your heart.  I cannot tell you why one individual’s prayers are answered one way while someone else’s are answered differently.  But this I can tell you, the righteous desires of your hearts will be fulfilled.  Sometimes it can be difficult to see anything beyond the path immediately before you.  We are inpatient and do not want to wait for a future fulfillment of our greatest desires.  Nevertheless, the brief span of this life is nothing in comparison with eternity.  And, if only we can hope and exercise faith and joyfully endure to the end, and I say joyfully endure to the end.  There, in that great heavenly future we will have the fulfillment of the righteous desires of our hearts and so very much more than we can scarcely comprehend now.  In the meantime, do not wait for someone else to make your life complete.  Stop second guessing yourself and wondering if you are defective.  Instead, seek to reach out to your potential as a child of God.  Seek learning, become engaged in a meaningful career and seek fulfillment in service to others.  Use your time, your talents, your resources, to improve yourself and bless those around you.  All of this is part of your preparation for having a family…The great purpose of this mortal existence is to learn to fully love our Heavenly Father and our neighbor as ourselves.  If we do this with all our might, mind, and strength our eternal destiny will be glorious and grand beyond our capacity to imagine.  Be faithful, and things will work out for you.  That is His eternal promise to all who love and honor him.”

Anyway, let me be completely honest when I say that sometimes talks on singlehood, or about people never marrying in this life drive me nuts.  I guess it just sort of depends what mood I’m in.  I will even admit that several years ago, when I was going through a particularly hard time in my single life (I think I had just been dumped or something), I actually walked out during a Relief Society meeting in my family ward.  (Don’t worry, I didn’t make a big scene or anything…I just walked out.)  It was Christmastime and the lady giving the lesson was reading a book about a made-up story of a single, barren, spinster woman who lived at the time of Christ and was all sad because she couldn’t have kids, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then she got to see the Christ child and all the sadness in her life was gone and the cavities of grief in her heart were filled. 

I think that first of all I didn’t like it because I don’t really go for cheesy Mormon made-up stuff.  Sometimes it freaks me out.  Like that painting of smiling Jesus or the one of Christ’s marked hands saying “I love you,” in sign language.  Those scare me.  I guess I just don’t feel like we need to Mormon culturatize everything.  To me the gospel is wonderful just as it is…plain and simple (and normal). 

And the second reason I think that I walked out of that meeting is because I just felt like, “Hey, every woman in this RS room is married with children BUT me.  Please don’t downplay my personal grief at not being a wife and mother.  Please don’t try to tell me that if Christ was a part of my life I wouldn’t feel sad about being a barren spinster.  Because he is a part of my life, and being a spinster is still hard.” 

And the third reason I probably walked out is just that I was in a bad mood and sick of being single that day.  I know that the lady teaching the lesson didn’t mean to offend.  She probably didn’t know there was a super overly sensitive spinster in the room that day. 

Anyway, at times when I hear people in firesides, church, conference, etc. say something to the effect of, “don’t worry if you don’t marry in this life because if you stay faithful, God will give you all the blessings of marriage and family in the eternities…all will be well”, it just makes me cringe.  And the majority of the time it is married people giving these “comforting” talks.  And I just want to say to them, “okay, if not being married in this life is no biggie because at some point in the eternities God is going to bless us with the deepest desires of our hearts, then why don’t you and I just trade places and I’ll be married and have babies in this life and you can hang out and wonder what to do with yourself while you try to remain faithful and deserving to later receive what everybody else is receiving now, OKAY?”  (And yes, I would say it in a big run-on sentence just like that and would probably be out of breath by the end.)

So, yeah, that just gives a little background of how I sometimes feel about these “stay faithful and happy now and get married later” talks.  It isn’t how I always feel, but sometimes during more difficult times in my life I’m much more sensitive as to what is said over the pulpit regarding singlehood.  Maybe some of you, at times, feel the same way.  It isn’t to say that I’m bitter or that I don’t appreciate people trying to address the issue of being Mormon and single, but sometimes married people talking about singleness just bugs. 

It would be like me sitting and eating a big piece of delicious chocolate cake in front of a hungry child and saying, “I know I’m eating this delicious cake now, that we have been commanded to eat, but you can’t have any just yet.  Just wait for about 80 years, and if you stay wanting this cake, in the next great state of being (that you cannot even comprehend or imagine) you will get to eat cake too.  Okay, so just stay happy and faithful.”  And then I would give the child a sympathetic smile as I licked my fork. 

BUT, regardless of how I sometimes feel about talks on being single, I just have to say that I LOVED Elder Uchtdorf’s talk and wasn’t rubbed wrong by it at all.  Maybe it is just the state of life I’m in right now.  Maybe it is because he is an apostle and I’m just glad to hear someone with a greater understanding of this life (and the next life) than I have, talk about singlehood.  And maybe it was just the cute way he delivered the message or the way you can tell that he actually cares and feels for those of us who don’t yet have a mate in this life.  Or maybe it is because he started the talk right off by saying that, “there’s no way for those who have not experienced this despair to truly understand the loneliness and pain you might feel.”  But it probably just didn’t bother me because the talk was given with love, understanding, and with the spirit.  So, do yourself a favor and find a time this week to watch the whole thing.  You won’t be disappointed. 

I’m going to “joyfully endure to the end” while secretly in my heart holding out in hope that I won’t have to.  I hope the same for all of you.  That you can faithfully and joyfully enjoy your time as a singleton but that we will all, through some miracle, find someone right for us and won’t have to be alone.  BUT, if I do have to wait, fine.  Maybe I need to learn patience.  Maybe I, for some reason, need to wait for that “glorious and grand” eternal destiny.  I’ll trust and hope that what is best for me will happen. 

Good luck out there everyone!

Well hello neglected blog. 

Miss Jones here.  I know I sort of disappeared for the summer.  Sorry. 

I had a busy and fun summer.  I got SCUBA certified.  I went to Africa for five weeks.  I spent three weeks in South America.  And… I turned 30.  Yikes!

Even though I had a busy summer I cannot say that I neglected this blog because I didn’t have time to write. 

I neglected this blog because I didn’t have anything positive to write. 

Sometimes I just go through little stages where, for a time, I cannot see even one good thing about being single.  Do any of you have those times in your life?  I hope I’m not the only one. 

Anyway, I didn’t want to fill this blog with a bunch of negative, sappy, “poor me I’m single” stuff.  But at the same time I don’t want to completely ignore the fact that being an “older” single Mormon is difficult. 

This summer I guess I was just sick of being single.  Even though sometimes being single is awesome like when you want to take off to Africa for five weeks, etc.  I mean, you don’t have to tell me that being single is great.  I take advantage of my time being single and am living life to the fullest.  You could even saythat I’m “Finding Joy in Spinsterhood.” 

However, even though there are lots of great things about being single, sometimes I’m just tired of being single.

Are any of you tired of being single?  Tired of being different from the “norm?”  Tired of buying wedding gifts and baby shower gifts and going to weddings, bridal showers, and baby showers and throwing bridal showers and baby showers?  Tired of people giving your number to guys that never call to set up a date?  Tired of hearing things like, “Well now that your younger brother and his wife are going to be having a baby maybe you’ll decide it is time for you to get married and have kids too.”?  Tired of trying to make new single friends every time one of them gets married or moves away?  Tired of going to ward activities and institute or feeling guilty for not going?  Tired of people (even those with good intentions) giving suggestions about where you should live or what you need to do to attract a mate?  Tired of hoping?  Tired of trying to have faith for what seems impossible?  Tired of trying to be positive and enthusiastic about being single?  Tired of the singles ward scene?  Tired of feeling like you are always on display…that you always have to be your best, that you have to be perfect or nobody will want you?  Tired of cooking for one?  Tired of being lonely and I’m tired of being alone? 

Wow, just writing all that made me tired!

Is anybody else tired of being single sometimes?   

Maybe I’m the only one.  I doubt it though.  I doubt that I’m the only one who ever feels this way.  I think it is just hard to admit sometimes how hard it actually is to be a spinster.  And I think that sometimes we are afraid to admit that we are tired of spinsterhood.  Because we don’t want to be labeled as “negative” or “bitter” or “sad” or “depressed.”  We want to go out there and put on our happy faces so that people won’t think less of us for not loving our lives.  And so that people will wonder why we aren’t married instead of thinking that they know why we aren’t married and saying things like, “Oh, she’s just so negative about guys.  If she would be more positive about dating and men she’d probably be married,” etc. 

And sometimes I feel like I’m wearing a “Hello, my name is SINGLE” name tag. 

And that the only thing people think of when they see me is ‘SINGLE.’  And that running through their minds is just ’single, single, single, single, single, single, single’…so much so that they can’t even focus on a normal conversation with me and can’t seem to talk to me about anything other than my marital status. 

Here’s a situation from this summer to illustrate my point. 

Let me set the scene…. cousin’s wedding reception. Young cousin. Maybe 20 years old. Marrying nice guy in the temple at the “normal” age for marrying. Perfect.

Enter me. Nearly 30. Severely single. At said wedding reception. Trying not to feel awkward. Holding my darling little baby cousin because I like babies and also as a distraction and conversation starter for people who don’t know what to say to a SINGLE PERSON (Awkward). At least they can say, “Oh isn’t he darling,” or “Whose baby is this,” etc.

Enter *Ruth.  Ruth is a very nice distant relative that I see at weddings and funerals. Ruth is friendly and fun and NICE. Normally. I like Ruth because she is kind and goes out of her way to talk to me and to everybody else. 

Me. Sitting at a table with non distant relatives. Chat chat chat. Ruth sits down next to me. More chat chat chat. Friendly friendly friendly. THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN out of NOWHERE Ruth hits me with a zinger.

 ”SO, ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? she asks.”

 SILENCE around the whole table as all eyes look my way. ‘What will the crazy single girl say?,’ people wonder…

Me: “Yup.”

Me again mostly to break the awkward SILENCE: “So Ruth, are you STILL SINGLE???” By the way, Ruth is like a 70+ year old widow (and her husband has been dead for 20+ years).

Ruth laughs and says, “Yes.”

Me: “Well I’ll keep my eyes open for a nice man for you to marry.”

Conversation over. Two points Ruth. Ten points Miss Jones.

SERIOUSLY, “are you still single?” What kind of question is that? First of all I just saw and talked to Ruth at yet another cousin’s wedding in April. I was single then. And because I’m not some Ricks College (aka:BYU IDAHO) student, I think it is safe to say that a few months later I would NOT BE MARRIED.

And, if by chance a miracle had occurred in those few months and I wasn’t single anymore then wouldn’t I have some awesome guy sitting next to me??? Or, wouldn’t I have some major bling bling on my ring finger??? Or, if nothing else, wouldn’t I just blurt it out to you because I would be so freaking ecstatic to NOT have to spend the next 60 years BY MYSELF only to be found dead and alone, half eaten by wild dogs at the age of 90??? Yes, yes, yes.

 

Dear Ruth,

If I am ever NOT STILL SINGLE, I will send you an invitation to my wedding reception. That is how you’ll know. Until then, let’s not repeat the conversation we had today.

Thank you, Miss Jones

*name changed out of the kindness of my heart

 

Anyway, despite my being a 30 year-old spinster with relatives who don’t know what to talk to me about, I am doing well and am back to loving life…even single life.  And, I’m back to blogging.  So, send me your questions/post ideas and I’ll try to get to as many topics as possible.

Good luck out there singletons!

All the best,

Miss Jones

Dear Miss Jones,

Here’s an idea for a post: Where should I be… online? I’m a single
LDS guy that is uncomfortable enough in large groups to make it
impossible to successfully meet people in the generally accepted LDS
ways (FHE groups, Linger Longers, YSA Conferences, etc.) And so I’ve
started to wonder if I might have more luck online. But I’ve never
gotten past the sign up page on a dating site because they all seem
like big sleazy scams (even the supposedly LDS ones). I know there are
lots of good LDS girls out there, are any of them online? And if so,
where?

Thanks,

eremite

 

Okay Mr. Eremite, I’ve got to be honest, I’m probably not the best one to answer this question because I don’t have any personal experience with online dating.  But I’m going to answer it anyway because I’m Miss Jones and I can.

Online Dating has such a stigma attached to it, which really is sad because I know TONS of happy couples who met online.  I think that this stigma is sort of fading but it still is hard to actually jump into the online world of dating. 

Okay, so the bad thing about online dating is that people can really be whatever they want to be online.  You can photoshop the heck out of your photos and all of a sudden instead of a Mr. Bean type you are suddenly Brad Pitt’s long lost twin.  And you can say whatever you want to say about your level of church activity, hobbies, beliefs, previous marital status, etc.  So it may be hard to really know if what you are seeing online about a person is the truth.  That’s one of the reasons I have yet to go to online dating. 

And you are right…even some of the LDS dating sites seem a little cheesy/sleezy to me. 

HOWEVER, one good thing about online dating is that most people that are online really are wanting to DATE.  With the exception of the major PLAYERS that I’m sure are online, I think that most online daters are there because they are really ready to meet the right person.  They, like you, have either tried everything else or don’t do well with the typical LDS scenarios for meeting people.  That is one really nice thing about dating online.  I think that when people get to the point that they actually put that profile up, they are serious and ready for dating/relationships. 

So I would say to you, go online.  Ask people that you know have done online dating which sites they would recommend.  And in your online profile just be yourself and represent yourself honestly and I think that you’ll find that there probably are a lot of girls out there that are honest, good LDS girls who just haven’t had the best of luck with typical dating scenarios either.  And lucky for you you’re a guy and so you probably aren’t going to get jumped in a dark alley by someone you meet online. 

Oh, and just as another suggestion, if you aren’t one that does well with big groups, create situations for yourself where you can get to know people a few at a time.  You don’t only have to rely upon big church/YSA functions.  For example, have a couple of guys friends and maybe a few girls that you are interested in getting to know a little better over for a game night or desert night.  Plan small group activities with people you have fun with/girls you are interested in.  And better yet, ask a girl out on a date…one on one is a pretty nice sized group to get to know someone in.  Just a thought…

Let us know how it goes and what you find.  And if any of you blog readers have suggestions regarding online dating or know of specific sites that you would recommend, please leave us a comment and let us know your thoughts. 

Miss Jones

Dear Miss Jones,

So I need some advice. There is a guy that I have worked with for about 2 years now who has also been in some of my classes that I like. Yet I’m not sure if he likes me. He always says “hi” and he kinda seems to cheer up when we see each other in class or at work but I don’t know if he is just being nice or what. Also, I have recently found out from some of the guys that we work with (no I didn’t ask, they mention things when I’m around) that even though they give him a girls phone number and tell them he’ll call he never does and I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend. So I have been waiting to see if he’ll ask me out or something but nothing has happened.  So should I get up the guts and ask him out myself? And what do I do if he doesn’t like me? I haven’t asked him out yet because I have been worried about that and since we also work together. So what should I do? and how can you tell if a shy guy likes you?

Yours Truly
Confused….

 

Dear Confused…

This is a hard one.  I often find myself interested in shy guys too.  Especially the older I get because sometimes the shy guys seem like the only “normal” guys left.  As far as I’m concerned shy guys are sort of the hidden treasure of dating because they really don’t have a lot of other problems/issues.  They really can still just be single because it takes a lot of courage for them to pursue a girl.  Ahhhhhhh, but it is the figuring out if they like you and getting them to ask you out that is the hard part. 

Here are a few suggestions from what I’ve learned from dealing with the shy guy. 

Shy guys are still guys and they still have hormones.  So even if a guy is really shy if he is interested in a girl he will eventually make a move.  HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that as the girl we can’t help them out. 

Now, I’m not into asking guys out directly.  I guess I’m old fashioned but I think that our whole dating system is messed up right now because first of all guys don’t ask out girls enough so when a guy does ask you out you take it really seriously and you freak out start hearing wedding bells and then that makes guys not want to ask out girls until they are REALLY SERIOUS about dating so then people don’t date enough and don’t get to know each other on a casual basis and we’re all getting old and even more single.  Really, our whole dating system is a little constipated if you ask me.  And all those problems are just complicated when we throw in the whole “well maybe I don’t have to ask her out because maybe SHE will ask ME out” thing.  But that’s a topic for another whole post. 

Let’s just say that I think we should still give the guys the privilege to be the pursuers.  It’s more fun that way anyway.  Now I know that some people won’t agree with me on my whole girls shouldn’t ask guys out opinion, but it is just my opinion based upon past experience.  I do think you can invite guys to do group activities, go to parties, etc. but don’t make it too easy for him to settle right into “hanging out mode.” 

So, anyway, while I’m one for asking guys out on dates I do think, especially in the case of the shy guy, that it is okay to create situations where it would be easier for him to ask you out.  So basically, ASK HIM TO ASK YOU OUT. 

For example, say he’s talking about how he loves going water skiing and this is something you would love to try you could say, “Oh, I’d love to go water skiing with you sometime.  I’ve always wanted to try it and it would be nice to go with someone who really knows what they’re doing.  We should go this summer…” 

Then that gives him the opportunity to say, “well, actually I’m going this weekend, do you want to come?” or maybe “sure, that would be fun” and then maybe he’ll call you and maybe he won’t but at least you’ve 1)shown interest in something he enjoys but more importantly 2) you’ve shown interest in doing that activity WITH HIM. 

Then you leave it up to him.  Especially in your situation where you work together.  You don’t want things to get awkward.  But, do your part to flirt, make sure he knows that you like him without being too forward or pushy, and give him easy opportunities to ask you out.  And you can create opportunities to hang out with you and him and other co-workers outside of work so that he’ll maybe start to see you as more of a friend and less of a co-worker. 

Oh, and I think you tell if a shy guy likes you by paying attention to body language, eye contact, and his actions.  Make it SUPER easy for him to date you if he wants to and then really a shy guy isn’t much different than a non shy guy.  You just have to make things a little easier for shy guys. 

Anyway, I OBVIOUSLY don’t have all the answers as I am still a Spinster and besides it is hard to say without really knowing you and him and the whole situation.  But just be yourself, flirt flirt flirt, and give him easy opportunities to ask him out.  Make sure through your words and actions that he knows that if he asks you out he will NOT BE REJECTED.  Then he’ll get up the courage to pursue you. 

Blog readers, what do you think Confused should do?  Do you agree/disagree with me?  Share your ideas with us in a comment. 

Good luck out there everyone! 

Miss Jones

The key to choosing where to be is choosing somewhere where YOU WILL BE HAPPY, where YOU CAN FEEL LIKE YOU’RE PROGRESSING, and somewhere where you WANT TO BE and feel like you SHOULD BE.

Meredith wrote:

So I am 26 and single–and proud of it! I just finished my Masters degree and I am looking to relocate (I currently live in Utah and can’t stand it anymore). I have been looking at all of these different places to move to this summer and every time I mention somewhere else other than Utah people look at me like I am never going to find someone if I put myself in Virginia, Ohio, North Carolina, etc. So, I guess my question is…are there places where LDS professional singles can move to and not (and I quote) “rot?”

Dear Meredith…

The answer to your question Are there places where LDS professional singles can move to and not “rot?” is…

YES, ANYWHERE. 

Anywhere in the whole world…except maybe not Iraq, Sudan, Afghanistan, or Zimbabwe.  I can’t in good conscience recommend those places right now. But seriously, you can move anywhere in this world and not “rot.” 

 

 That’s it…that’s all you need to worry about…not how many LDS people there are in a certain place or what your odds are of getting married in particular location, whether or not you’re going to “rot,”  what other people will think or say or even what seems like the most logical move to make.

As spinsters we can be ANYWHERE we want to be.  We aren’t tied down by the job or schooling of a spouse, by children, or just by being married and “settled down.”

So we can be anywhere, which is sometimes overwhelming.  I think the decision of where to live is one of the hardest we have to make as single people because we want to put ourselves in a position where we can meet the right person but at the same time we don’t want to necessarily be somewhere where we don’t want to be just because it is the most logical or is perceived to be the most logical due to the fact that there are more LDS single people in that location.

I think sometimes as LDS Spinsters we try too hard.  We try too hard to be at the right place at the right time, to be wearing the right oufit, to go to all the right activities, and to say and do all the right things.  And it’s not that we shouldn’t be trying to put ourself in situations where we can be blessed to meet the right person, but we should be careful not to try too hard. 

I think all of you know what I mean by trying too hard.  It is acting in desperation.  It is being someone we are not.  It is being somewhere we don’t want to be.  It is going against the grain of our lives.  It is living in fear instead of in faith.  Trying too hard makes us seem desperate.  It just makes unhappy because when we try too hard we get caught up in some exact outcome that we expect and when those things that we want don’t always happen we are unhappy and hurt. 

Instead we need to live where we want to live, wear the outfit that makes us feel like a million bucks, go to the activities that actually interest us, and say and do only the things that reflect who we actually are at our best.

So when it comes to where to live, live somewhere that interests you, somewhere where you may have new or better career or educational opportunities, somewhere where you already have family and friends or somewhere where you hope to make lots of new friends. 

If you have always wanted to live in New York City, go live there.  If you want to live abroad go try it out.  If you want to move back to that little podunk town you grew up in, go live there.  And if you want to live in one of the single Mormon meccas where finding other LDS people to be friends with and/or date will be easy, then go live in one of those places.  Because overall it doesn’t matter where you are as long as you are HAPPY and PROGRESSING. 

I have a childhood friend who, after college, moved back to where we grew up…a little tiny podunk town.  She moved there because that’s where she WANTED to be and that’s where she FELT she should be.  At first I thought she was crazy…I thought “good luck having a social life!”  But within a year she was married to literally her next door neighbor…a guy who was a total punk in high school but who had changed and grown up and who was now a match for her.  She didn’t go there knowing that he was still around and single.  She just went there because she wanted to be there and what she wanted most, she got. 

My friend Lula who started this blog moved to London because she had a great educational opportunity there, because she loved Europe and wanted an experience living there, and because it was where she WANTED to be and FELT like she should be.  It wasn’t the most logical place to be for a single girl from the U.S. to be as far as marriage prospects go.  But within a few months of being there she met a lad from Wales and fell in love and was married. 

And we always seem to list marriage as the happy ending to our stories but what if you moved to the place you wanted to be and didn’t get married for a few years or even five or ten or ever?  But what if you were truly HAPPY, truly PROGRESSING, and truly BEING YOUR BEST SELF in that place?  Wouldn’t even that be worth it? 

If you are content in life and in where you are and what you’re doing, you will attract people no matter where you are…because true happiness is an incredibly attractive trait.

So, in conclusion Meredith, move anywhere you want to…and tell all those people in your life that are discouraging you that you will not “rot” or spiral down into a permanent state of Spinsterhood if you move out of Utah.  Tell them that they are WRONG and that Miss Jones said so. 

There are several reasons why I would never encourage anyone to stay in Utah that didn’t WANT to be there, such as League Inflation and Bigger and Better Syndrome but those are topics for another day. 

And Meredith…let us know how things go and if you find some fantastic place to live as a single person.  Good luck!

Here’s me beginning to answer your questions…

David asked,

“Dear Miss Jones, I was wondering if you had any good statistics on the singles in the church. I know it is a large percentage, ~33% of total membership, but I have been hard pressed to come up with anything more recent then some unverified stats for 2004.

Is there anything more recent you can pass on?”

Dear David,

Let me be completely honest in saying…I make up most statistics I use here and in life in general.  (Made up statistics are easier to obtain and are better at proving my desired point.)  Or, if I don’t make them up I get them from googling things like “Single statistics in the LDS church,” which instead of giving me official LDS church sanctioned statistics, gives me a list of other blogs and websites with statistics that others may or may not have made up. 

Recently I googled “Single Statistics” and a link came up that said “Single statistics in The Church.”  And may I  just say, as a side note, that  I love that we are TheChurch even on the Internet.  I guess we aren’t shy about letting everyone know that we are THE Church.   I would post the statistics that I found here, but I don’t want to cause all of the wonderful Sisters of THE Church that read this blog to get depressed or anything and also, I don’t even know where that website got their stats from. 

But let me just say that if you are an active LDS male…things are good for you, really good.  But I think all anyone needs to do is go to a Singles’ Ward or other YSA or SA activity to know that being an active LDS guy is an awesome position to be in. 

Okay, okay, I guess I’ll post the stats.  But since they didn’t document where they got these statistics I feel no need to document where I got mine and I cannot vouch for the truth of these statistics.  Here they are…

40% of North American members of THE Church are single adults.

The ratio of ACTIVE single men to ACTIVE single women in the age group 18-29 is 89:100.

The ratio of ACTIVE single men to ACTIVE single women over 30 is supposedly a depressing 19:100.

Here’s another scientific fact for you…one time this one General Authority told my cousin who then in turn told me that…there are actually more single men 18-30 in the church than women.  BUT the men just don’t stay as active so the older you get the greater the divide is.  Sad, but most likely true. 

BUT girls before you go refilling your Prozac prescriptions, let’s look on the bright side.  Okay, so if that last statistic of 19:100 active LDS males to active LDS females over 30 is true, it makes me want to give up and go cry sob somewhere by myself…especially since I am nearing the big  3 0  myself. 

HOWEVER, the statistic says it is for OVER 30.  So I’m just going to go ahead and say that that includes EVERYONE over 30, which means that includes like the 70, 80, 90, & 100 year-old members.  And since men generally die at a younger age than women, there are a whole bunch of widows left single in the church (maybe even your grandma) that are throwing off that statistic, big time. 

I don’t know for sure what the stats are or how accurate those listed above are.  Sorry David, I don’t really know what to tell you if you are looking for the truth about singleness in the church.  Maybe contact The Church directly and be sure to let us know what you find. 

But here’s what I do know (and this is me actually being serious and deep now)…sometimes as a single LDS woman trying to do what is right and trying to stay hopeful that someday, somehow, somewhere, everything you’ve ever wanted and have been taught to want is going to be yours, is a difficult thing to do… especially when the numbers just don’t add up and LOGICALLY things don’t seem good.

But, maybe that’s our challenge…to stay hopeful even when the odds seem to be against us and to keep believing and knowing that our Heavenly Father knows who we are and knows what we need and when we need it and that sometime and in some way those who stay faithful and hopeful will be blessed more than we can even imagine. 

Like Red said on the Shawshank Redemption (edited version of course), “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.”

So there you have it. 

See, this is why I don’t post much…because I can’t just write a nice little short post.  I have to write a flipping novel.  Oh well, I guess that’s just how I roll.

Stay tuned for more wise words from Miss Jones…

I’m not even going to make up or tell you a bunch of excuses as to why it has been FOREVER since I’ve posted anything, but I am going to try to be better, I promise. 

I guess I didn’t even know very many people were reading this until I start to hear complaints through the grapevine as soon as I quit posting. 

So, I’m going to do a better job posting, but I need you all to do a better job commenting so that I’ll know:

1) who is reading my blog

2) which posts/types of posts are favorites

3) that people are actually reading the blog so I’ll be motivated to post and not think that I’m posting for nothing but rather that many people are reading and enjoying

 

If you’re a fan of The Single Mormon Girl’s Guide to Life then here’s a little blog button (made by our own Lula from London) for you to add to your blog and link it to the site.

 

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with WordPress but it is pretty cool in that it gives me a lot of blog stats.  For example, I know that on February 2nd, 128 people viewed the blog (even though NOBODY commented that day).  It also tells me what websites people are linking through.  And my favorite…it tells me what search words people are typing in that are leading them to this blog. 

Just yesterday someone typed in “left handed Mormon women.”  Now I don’t know if there are many differences between left-handed Mormon women and right-handed Mormon women (other than I hear that left-handers are more intelligent) but if I do ever come across any pertinent information about left-handed Mormons I’ll be sure to post it. 

Recently I also had someone search, ”how to get a Mormon girl to make out with you.”  Haaaaaaaaaaa! I love it. 

Anyway, I’m going to try and get caught up in answering some of your questions in the next few months as well as filling in with any little random posts that come to mind. 

I’m glad to be back. 

Later Spinsters (and those who love or want to love us)!

With all the necessary holiday preparations this Christmas there is one extra preparation that only we singletons have to make…and that is to prepare ourselves for being single at Christmas.  This may mean facing your great-aunt Edna who ALWAYS asks you about your dating life.  Or maybe that middle-aged married man in your home ward who thinks it is HILARIOUS to grab your left hand every time he sees you to look for a shiny ring.  Or perhaps it is just the fact of being alone during the holidays, having to sit at the “kid table” for Christmas dinner at your grandma’s, or being around friends and cousins your age who have like a million kids already. 

Whatever your holiday challenges are, a little mental preparation will help things go more smoothly.  And although I, in my own busy holiday preparations, don’t have time to address all the extra challenges of being single during the holidays I did come across this post from my own personal blog last year that I thought I’d share.  Hope it helps a little or that you can at least relate and laugh.  The post is actually written with married people as the intended audience…so feel free to “accidentally” email a link to this post to all your relatives before Christmas day.  Good luck answering all the inappropriate questions you get asked this holiday season.  Have happy holidays! 

Love, Miss Jones

 

So a couple of days ago I got a chemical peel. Basically, a chemical peel consists of paying someone 100 bucks to pour acid on your face so that later your skin will peel off and you will look better or at least feel like you suffered trying to look your best.  My normal esthetician was out of town so some other girl, who will remain nameless to protect her lack of tact, did my chemical peel. Before I could even get onto the facial table she said to me,

“So are you married?”
I said, “no.”
She replied, “well do you have a boyfriend…are you dating anyone?”
And I replied, “not right now.”

Now, I’m not sure exactly why I said “not right now…” as if I had been dating someone a few minutes prior and had just gotten dumped or something. But if you ask me a dumb question you should expect a dumb answer…I mean, what was I supposed to say? And she didn’t quit.  She went on to ask

“Well, do you have any nieces or nephews?”

“No,” I said, “my only sibling that is married just got married a month ago”…and I thought to myself “and I haven’t gotten around to asking them yet when they are going to start making babies!”

Ok, and get this, the next thing she said to me was,

“Did they get married in the temple?”

And I thought to myself “Oh my heck am I wearing my ‘I AM A MORMON’ shirt again!?” So within two minutes of meeting me this girl, who was married with three kids, broke the CARDINAL RULE of talking to single people. Never, under any circumstance ask a single person (even if you know them) any of the following questions or any variation of the following questions UNLESS you are asking them because you have some RAD person that you want to set them up with and you want to make sure that they are available. And, as a side note, never ASSUME that someone is LDS. It just makes you look like a stupid Utard.

Here are some no no questions:

“So, how’s your love life?”
“Are you dating anybody?”
“Anything exciting/new going on in your life (wink, wink)?”

Now, this girl was probably just trying to be nice and make conversation (although I wish that she could have just shut-up and let me listen to the peaceful waterfall music), but HOW SAD is it that she was so un-rounded that the only thing that she could make reference to in life had to do with dating, marriage and kids! LAME! Needless to say, I did not give her a tip $$$$$$$. But let me give all of the tactless married people out there a tip…and I don’t think that all married people are tactless, but those of you who are… you know who you are, listen up. You should never talk to a single person about their dating life, or the lack thereof, unless they bring it up. Just as I shouldn’t ask you,

“So, how much money do you make?”

“When are you guys going to have another baby…it is about time, isn’t it?”

“How’s your LOVE life (wink, wink)?”

“When are you planning on starting a family?”

“Do you think you’ll go on a diet soon?”

“How much equity do you have in your home?”

“Are you planning on doing anything about your receding hairline?”

Etc!

Or, I might say, as Bridget Jones replied when asked, “So Bridge, how’s your love life?”…”Tell me, is it one in four marriages that ends in divorce now, or one in three?”

Okay, okay fans of The Single Mormon Girl’s Guide to Life… I know I, Miss Jones, as new head Spinster have not posted much yet, but hold tight…I promise I will. 

So here’s the deal…while I am finishing up my final papers for this semester’s grad school courses (yes, Miss Jones doesn’t just sit around all day and blog…she is in graduate school and working full-time) will any of you who have questions you want me to answer or topics you want covered please go under the tab called “Submit Your Single Situation Questions” and submit your topic or question there? 

Then over Christmas break when I am free from school and work I will do my best to blog away and answer all your questions in the order they are received or in the order I feel like answering them in. 

Some people have already submitted questions either through the “Submit Your Single Situation Questions” tab or by leaving questions under the comment sections for various posts.   I will answer those questions just as soon as possible.  Just give me a couple of weeks to get school work done and Christmas planned and the rest of my life ironed out and I’ll answer your questions. 

Have happy holidays everyone!  All the best, Miss Jones

Ever since I can remember my family has had what we call “The Candy Drawer.”  What is “The Candy Drawer” you ask.  Well, in order to really explain you first need to know something about the family I grew up in.  You see, we are all big pigs.  Okay, okay, don’t get in your minds the image of a bunch of 600 pound people with fried chicken stuck in their fat rolls sitting around watching Judge Judy all day and sucking off the welfare system while you are at work…we aren’t that bad.  We probably aren’t even obese or anything, but we like food (particularly candy and sweets) just like most Mormons do.  No coffee, no tea, no alcohol, no cigs…but they didn’t say no SUGAR, although I’m sure the “everything in moderation” part should cover that one.  Mormons don’t have the luxury of having other addictions so we like candy.      

 

So treats don’t really last too long around my parents’ house.  At least not the good treats.  And that is where the candy drawer comes in.  The candy drawer is a small corner drawer in my parents’ kitchen.  It could just as well be called the reject candy drawer as it very rarely has anything good in it…at least not for long.  Growing up usually the candy drawer contained things like: banana flavored Laffy Taffy, grape Jolly Ranchers, sunflower seeds, broken candy canes from last Christmas, Hershey’s Special Dark chocolate (you know from those mixed bags of Hershey’s chocolates), etc.  You get the idea…basically only candy you’d eat when you are desperate. 

 

 

And that’s usually what happened.  There would be a stash of this normally undesirable candy that would build up.  But then something would change…usually it would be during a big snowstorm when we couldn’t get to the store, or a Fast Sunday when our blood sugar was all out of whack and all of a sudden that banana flavored Laffy Taffy didn’t look so horrible and it would get eaten. 

 

So this was how it always was with the candy drawer…mediocre candy getting eaten in times of desperation and sugar shortage.  But then something changed…my little brother got married and all of a sudden we had a new person in the mix.  And my new sister-in-law loved dark chocolate.  So that dark chocolate that in the past built up in the drawer only to be eaten in times of famine didn’t build up anymore.  And things that my sister-in-law didn’t necessarily prefer would get thrown into the drawer.  It was sort of weird at first.  We all didn’t know what to think and did not even realize what was going on at first.  I remember thinking, ‘Where is all that yucky dark chocolate and who in the heck was crazy enough to throw this Chick-O-Stick into the candy drawer?’

 

And then I realized…someone with new tastes came along and the whole balance of what the candy drawer had been for years changed.  Now you are probably thinking, ‘why in the heck is this new girl Miss Jones telling us all about her family’s addiction to candy, isn’t this a Single Mormon Girl Blog?’ 

 

Well, here’s the tie in.  I started thinking about that candy drawer a little differently when my sister-in-law came along and I started to get all deep and compare the reject candy drawer to myself, feeling like a reject Mormon, a left-over, a banana Laffy Taffy if you know what I mean.  And then I thought to myself, ‘I don’t want to get taken out of the reject drawer on a day of desperation…a snowstorm or Fast Sunday.  I don’t want to just have a guy like me because they are sick of looking, sick of people bugging them about not being married, or have finally realized that something better just isn’t going to come along.  I don’t want to be taken out of the drawer just to fill some guy’s need for a short term sugar fix…only to be forgotten about as soon as a better treat comes along.’

 

Instead, here is what I want.  I want someone new to come into my candy drawer ecosystem, open the drawer and see that banana flavored Laffy Taffy and say to themselves… ‘WOW. These are my FAVORITE!  How did this get left in here?  What dummy would leave a banana Laffy Taffy in the candy drawer?  I’m so glad my favorite candy is in this candy drawer…what a lucky guy I am!’

 

This post doesn’t contain any major advice or help on being a single woman…other than…let’s keep believing that someday, sometime, hopefully, the right guy is going to come along, open up that left-over candy drawer and be ecstatic that you are still there.  And that may only happen after hundreds of other guys open up that drawer, see you and say to themselves, “YUCK, that’s not my favorite, I’ll keep looking.”  But who cares about those guys anyway?  All we need to worry about is keeping ourselves ready and available so when finally some guy opens up the drawer and says, “YUM, my favorite!” we will be ready to go.  And we’ll be pumped to get out of that drawer and move on…especially since for some of us our expiration dates may be getting close!

 

Some girls are Snickers, Twixes or M&Ms…candy you can find in pretty much any part of the world and candy that pretty much everyone likes.  So of course they get taken out of the drawer quickly.  I like to think that all of us older single LDS women that are still left are specialty candies though.  Candy that people crave…candy that people miss when they are in foreign countries, candy that can’t be found just anywhere, maybe even candy that is an aquired taste.  But, we are somebody’s favorite candy…I am sure.  I mean, if no one liked Banana Laffy Taffies wouldn’t they just stop making them?  And if there wasn’t someday, in some part of our existance, going to be someone just perfect for us, then wouldn’t God stop making us special, rare, unique women?  I like to think so.